A Month Of My Life - Part 2

The GP had said to me that there would not be much notice for the appointments and so I turned to Ex and explained the bare minimum details, for I did not want to explain anymore and that I might have to ask him to step in and pick Daughter up from school. His response, callous and unexpected was to ask if I had made my will. No expression of concern or not to worry about me calling upon him at short notice to look after our daughter, just that question. To be honest this left me in bits and knowing I was unable to cope on my own any longer I turned to two very different people.

The first was a very close friend of mine who was a rock to me through the separation period of me and Ex. In practical terms there is no better and he was there to hold my hand through the appointments that followed and when I got the final results. I love him dearly, not as a lover but as a friend and as someone who having known me for over 30 years, knows me and knows my life. The other was a new friend, far, far away but for whom I felt I would be able to trust. My instinct was not wrong and throughout the following few weeks he was wonderful in getting me to think about anything other than what my mind kept returning to by engaging in me in discussions about life, the universe, politics, everything.

I will not name either of those two beautiful and wonderful men but they know who they are and they know how grateful I have been for the very different types of support that they gave so willingly to me. And to my girlfriends too, women are canny, over the next couple of weeks, one after the other sniffed a rat and was there for me in her particular way, although I do say that I was difficult to get the information out of because I just did not want to talk about it….well I did but on my terms!

I went back to Six’s blog, to his posts when he got ill. We are such widely different characters in how we deal with things! It was interesting to read what he had written though and maybe some of his positive spirit started to rub off on me; not that I was being negative but it was those thoughts and how the hell do you stop them?

Two weeks after my initial visit to the GP it was confirmed that there was no cancer in my throat or my larynx and that the pain in my jaw and ear was likely to be trigeminal neuralgia, however my lymph nodes were a cause of concern and further investigations were to be carried out. Whatever happened and whenever things happened I did at least have a final date that day. Two weeks into the future I would definitely be sitting in front of the consultant to be told the results, the appointment was made.

Having the finality of that appointment as a fixed date helped me enormously. The smiles returned, I started to sleep a little better; well to be honest I couldn’t have slept much worse! I did google my symptoms and the results merely confirmed to me what I thought it might be and so I felt strong enough to chat with a couple of friends one who had Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and the other who had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I was glad that I did because both were living proof that such cancers are beatable and so my thoughts started to turn towards how the hell do you get through chemotherapy. I know, I know, I always run before I can walk but that’s me.

The date arrived and I was nervous, had been for 24 hours, who wouldn’t be but the hour delay in seeing patients that afternoon was just a little too much for me. I started to fall apart. My friend just sat and listened and held my hand and then it was time. The consultant smiled and I knew then from the way the crinkles appeared around his eyes that I was OK. He said that 2 weeks earlier he was convinced that he would be giving me a diagnosis of lymphoma today and I replied that I knew, it had been writ large in his eyes. He also said that I was a lucky woman because there were few with my symptoms that left without a cancer diagnosis. Another thing he said that still plays on my mind a little one week later is that the biopsy is normally pretty accurate but I would be an unlucky woman indeed if I did have cancer and that it had not shown up but that he felt I was a lucky woman. I cried hard and long, Tears of joy, tears of relief and then more tears as I realised how stupid I had been putting so much pressure upon myself.

OK so I am not well, a close eye is to be kept upon me but I don’t have cancer. I have a second chance, one that does not involve awful treatments with awful side effects.

So I’m back out sniffing the flowers, feeling the breeze, watching the sunsets and the sunrises, sleep is still a problem, and taking joy in the smallest of things. I’ve always enjoyed the small things but now my joy is heightened and boy if an opportunity for something good and special comes my way, I am not going to be scared, I am not going to hide behind past experience I am going to seize it! I am so grateful that I can enjoy the small things and to be honest if that is all that I ever do, I shall be happy.
I cannot live for the actual moment but living for the day, well that’s good