Son: I'm revising my opinion of you Mom

Me: Oh, you mean now you don't really hate me, you just hate me?

No, no, you weird woman, I mean I am being forced to look at you in a new light...

Why?

Well, all my friends can't be wrong....unless I have a problem with my friends and I don't.

Erm, now I'm worried.

No need to be, they reckon you rock.

I rock?

Yes but they don't see what I see.

What's that then?

You're seriously weird

Define weird

You do your own thing and don't care what people think. That's cool

Thanks...I think.

Energetic and eccentric, that's you Mom.

I like that

Other parents just don't talk properly...they think teenagers are stupid, you don't

Well son, thanks for all that and you're right, I don't think teenagers are stupid, I think teenagers rock.

Oh Mom, don't use our lingo, that's just meh coming from an oldie like you.....can I have an advance on next weeks pocket money?

A Month Of My Life - Part 2

The GP had said to me that there would not be much notice for the appointments and so I turned to Ex and explained the bare minimum details, for I did not want to explain anymore and that I might have to ask him to step in and pick Daughter up from school. His response, callous and unexpected was to ask if I had made my will. No expression of concern or not to worry about me calling upon him at short notice to look after our daughter, just that question. To be honest this left me in bits and knowing I was unable to cope on my own any longer I turned to two very different people.

The first was a very close friend of mine who was a rock to me through the separation period of me and Ex. In practical terms there is no better and he was there to hold my hand through the appointments that followed and when I got the final results. I love him dearly, not as a lover but as a friend and as someone who having known me for over 30 years, knows me and knows my life. The other was a new friend, far, far away but for whom I felt I would be able to trust. My instinct was not wrong and throughout the following few weeks he was wonderful in getting me to think about anything other than what my mind kept returning to by engaging in me in discussions about life, the universe, politics, everything.

I will not name either of those two beautiful and wonderful men but they know who they are and they know how grateful I have been for the very different types of support that they gave so willingly to me. And to my girlfriends too, women are canny, over the next couple of weeks, one after the other sniffed a rat and was there for me in her particular way, although I do say that I was difficult to get the information out of because I just did not want to talk about it….well I did but on my terms!

I went back to Six’s blog, to his posts when he got ill. We are such widely different characters in how we deal with things! It was interesting to read what he had written though and maybe some of his positive spirit started to rub off on me; not that I was being negative but it was those thoughts and how the hell do you stop them?

Two weeks after my initial visit to the GP it was confirmed that there was no cancer in my throat or my larynx and that the pain in my jaw and ear was likely to be trigeminal neuralgia, however my lymph nodes were a cause of concern and further investigations were to be carried out. Whatever happened and whenever things happened I did at least have a final date that day. Two weeks into the future I would definitely be sitting in front of the consultant to be told the results, the appointment was made.

Having the finality of that appointment as a fixed date helped me enormously. The smiles returned, I started to sleep a little better; well to be honest I couldn’t have slept much worse! I did google my symptoms and the results merely confirmed to me what I thought it might be and so I felt strong enough to chat with a couple of friends one who had Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and the other who had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I was glad that I did because both were living proof that such cancers are beatable and so my thoughts started to turn towards how the hell do you get through chemotherapy. I know, I know, I always run before I can walk but that’s me.

The date arrived and I was nervous, had been for 24 hours, who wouldn’t be but the hour delay in seeing patients that afternoon was just a little too much for me. I started to fall apart. My friend just sat and listened and held my hand and then it was time. The consultant smiled and I knew then from the way the crinkles appeared around his eyes that I was OK. He said that 2 weeks earlier he was convinced that he would be giving me a diagnosis of lymphoma today and I replied that I knew, it had been writ large in his eyes. He also said that I was a lucky woman because there were few with my symptoms that left without a cancer diagnosis. Another thing he said that still plays on my mind a little one week later is that the biopsy is normally pretty accurate but I would be an unlucky woman indeed if I did have cancer and that it had not shown up but that he felt I was a lucky woman. I cried hard and long, Tears of joy, tears of relief and then more tears as I realised how stupid I had been putting so much pressure upon myself.

OK so I am not well, a close eye is to be kept upon me but I don’t have cancer. I have a second chance, one that does not involve awful treatments with awful side effects.

So I’m back out sniffing the flowers, feeling the breeze, watching the sunsets and the sunrises, sleep is still a problem, and taking joy in the smallest of things. I’ve always enjoyed the small things but now my joy is heightened and boy if an opportunity for something good and special comes my way, I am not going to be scared, I am not going to hide behind past experience I am going to seize it! I am so grateful that I can enjoy the small things and to be honest if that is all that I ever do, I shall be happy.
I cannot live for the actual moment but living for the day, well that’s good

A Month Of My Life - Part 1

Since last October I have been experiencing an unusual amount of ill health. One thing after another seemed to come along, mainly in the form of infections but other stuff popped up requiring tests, more tests and scans. Nothing major, nothing I worried about, nothing appeared connected just a regular stream of visits to the GP, which to be honest I found boring, time consuming and frustrating.

Having never been a regular for myself and not having the children with me, I took the time spent waiting to read and listen to music on the old MP3. Time out to relax in an otherwise hectic schedule.

Then in the week leading up to Friday the 13th, the pain in my ear and jaw that I had been experiencing for well, at least a year became unbearable. It was difficult to focus on anything. I noticed too that my voice, husky at the best of times was now downright deep and extremely hard to hear, prone to disappearance by the end of the day! Gently rubbing my neck for the umpteenth time that day to try and ease the pain in my jaw, my fingers encountered the two swollen glands that I had had for months…..hold on Linda, just how long have you had swollen glands? A mild panic seized my brain as it dawned upon me that I had never mentioned these swellings on my interminable visits to the GP and yet they had been swollen for at least 6 months.

I didn’t hang around. I was in the surgery within an hour and an hour and half later I felt like my world was caving in. The GP didn’t even examine me; the swellings were so bad that they were easy to see. She just gently told me that she would get me an urgent appointment for an ENT specialist.

Yes, cancer was the first word that entered my head and for the only time until four weeks later I sat in my bedroom and cried. Oh I wasn’t crying for me. I’m not scared of dying. No, I was crying because I knew that my children are not yet ready for me to leave them. I suppose no child whatever their age, 7 or 70 is ever ready to lose their parents but all I could think about was the trauma and hurt they had so recently gone through and knew that me leaving them albeit not because I wanted to, would tear them apart.

I pulled myself together and went to pick Daughter up from school. Life goes on despite the inner turmoil that cannot be spoken of.

The pain just got worse and over the next 2 days I visited my GP 4 times. I was prescribed some drugs that did eventually ease the pain but one upshot of the plethora of visits is that my urgent appointment status was changed to that of priority-fast track. I wasn’t even aware that such things existed.

Do you have any idea how often children speak of the future? What they are going to do next week, what they are looking forward to later this year, where they might go on holiday and of course the long-term future, what they will do when they have left school, how many children they might have. I had never thought about this before but it is natural, for a child has no concept of long term time for they have experienced so little time themselves, hence the fidgeting after 5 minutes and the ‘are we nearly there yet’ refrain and so they plan and dream ahead always, for don’t they have all the time in the world? The world is theirs and the future is theirs and it is endless.

For me, time suddenly felt limited and I could not even make a decision about getting my hair cut; is there any point….what if I have to have chemotherapy, waste of time spending money on a hair cut now when it might all be falling out anyway! Oh dear. I hadn’t realised how living for the moment is actually incredibly difficult to do because in a way it exists because you feel that there will be another moment after the one that is now. Only a fool could live each moment as though it were their last. To live at such high-octane levels would ensure that there was indeed no tomorrow.

Meditation, my rediscovered way of allowing my mind to be free proved to be impossible. I could not empty my mind. I kept myself incredibly busy during the day but the nights, particularly as I could not sleep were long, lonely and full of terror. My thoughts stayed with my children; how would they cope if I were not here? Should I start to write down all the little likes and dislikes for food, for TV, for games, for chilling time, for everything? Would the Ex come up trumps for them and would his new wife, who decidedly did want children of her own, well would she be able to make a transition to a decidedly more hands on approach than she currently enjoyed? Was their relationship strong enough?

Questions, questions, constant, interminable. To add to it all, my best friend went awol and not wanting to speak with my family I did not know who to turn to.

Another in a long line of Simple Pleasures

Today me and Daughter did 'our walk' again. It starts 5 minutes up the road and takes in fields, trees and a country lane. The sun was shining and me and daughter enjoyed everything about it all. Such a simple thing to do but so much to share.

Bubbles

They do tend to get burst very quickly! Perhaps I was a little too smug or perhaps Ex read how good I was feeling about myself and so decided to continue with the 'make her hate me' campaign. All I know is that I am sorely tested at times. I get a little low but then something wonderful happens, nothing elaborate or fancy, maybe a text or an email or a call. I got all three of those this evening and all brought a smile to face and made me realise yet again (I do wish realisation would stay a little longer!) that I am a good person and I am not what I am painted by one.

Reflections

It wasn't until I received a fair number of Christmas cards specifically wishing me a far better 2009 than the 2008 I had had that I realised that hand on heart, 2009 hadn't been such a bad year after all.

Perspective and reflection tends to make me realise what a lucky woman I am. A new attitude towards life has helped me along the way too.

Yes, the first three months of 2008 were hell on earth. The grief I endured resulting in losing 3 stones in 3 months (very drastic and not recommended) was all encompassing and at the time it felt as though it would never pass. However, as I blogged about way back in April, it was on our holiday to Lisbon that I experienced a moment of epiphany. It was such a relief to realise that the man whom I had loved so much was indeed imperfect and that I need not just accept those imperfections anymore, I did not have to put up with bullying, bad temper and general verbal abuse resulting in my self esteem being at an all time low. No, at that moment I chose not to feel that way anymore and so began the fight back to life.

I am going to blow my own trumpet here, sorry! I am so proud of myself. I have accomplished so much that I did not think possible and those who know me and love me best have commented in recent months that the Linda from over 10 years ago is back......along with her bark!

Back in January my dear Ex informed me that he wanted me to hate him. I can understand why he would want me to do that, it would help him enormously in the rewriting of history that he has since undertaken that devalues what we did have together and also devalues the blessedness of our daughter but I guess he doesn't see it that way, otherwise history would remain as written and not suffer revisionism. It also helps alleviate his guilt and that guilt lay on several levels, which I need not go into. Since then I have undergone deep provocation with regard to verbal bullying and a general all round refusal to speak to me in a civil manner and this is the main reason I am so proud of myself: hand on heart, I do not hate him and I never will. It is such a liberating feeling knowing that I do not hate him and actually wish him nothing but good and happiness with his life and wife of the last 3 months. Yes, I am a good person and I celebrate the reintroduction of my soul to platonic love, love of life, love of people and all things spiritual.

My soul has grown and reached out to more people and I am happy to share peace with others. Of course I still get mad and angry, usually over really silly things and my rottweiler bark can be apparent at times but I know that my home is a more peaceful and loving place because many comment upon the harmony, especially between me and the children; and that's despite Son being an obnoxious teenager with Aspergers, not a combination that is easy to deal with!

I was proud that I managed the holiday abroad in July with the children on my own. I didn't get hassled except the day Son locked us out of the apartment! The children said it was their best holiday ever. That's good enough for me!

I have discovered that I have some wonderful friends, both old and new. I have discovered new pastimes of an artistic bent, something I never had the confidence to tackle before because I am the worlds worst artist! However there are other areas I can utilise and those artistic thoughts and ideas that I have inside of me can now be released. I can mediate again, something I found extremely difficult to do for many years but now my mind roams and becomes free and I can focus on the within and feel the peace, which incidentally becomes stronger each day. I have discovered that I now have more time for my children because my time is for them when we are together and does not have to be shared with anyone else. And I love that time with them and I love being with them. I also had the confidence to deliberately put some weight back on. Size 10 did not suit me at all and I am much happier as a more rounded size 12. Those curves are mine and I love them!

Sure life can be hard at times; Mom's health continues to deteriorate and Dad had bypass surgery four days before Christmas resulting in a very grumpy Dad because he was in pain, on Christmas Day, Then there are all the problems that one has to suddenly cope with on your own, just ordinary every day little problems that can get on top of you sometimes. Daughter is having surgery again a week on Saturday and money or rather the lack of it, poses problems too. All in all though I happier than I could ever imagine that I could have been 12 months ago.

I am blessed. Well blessed.

I wish everyone a peaceful, prosperous and happy 2009.

T'is a lonely life sometimes

Not always but when the nights are long and cold and the children are in bed, there is an all encompassing silence that cannot be broken by the sound of your own voice. Solitude has much to recommend itself for it's nakedness and its compulsion in having to face demons however, companionship, that look, that exchange of glances, the brush of a hand, the discourse of comfort is yearned for. To share is to give.

Sometimes life is too busy……..

to blog!

Or perhaps there is just too much happening in Facebook world?

We told the children of the Ex’s engagement…it sort of became essential when his fiancée moved in with him. On the whole they took it well but Daughter still has her problems. All of this has happened far too quickly for her to be able to take on board as quickly as adults can manage change. She isn’t an adult although at times I have to remind myself of that such is her maturity. She gets on well with her Dad’s new partner for which I am relieved and happy for her.

I am still a size 12 in skinny fits, which poses a problem for the winter. I threw away all my old clothes so have nothing at all for the impending cold weather and have little money either to furnish myself with a new wardrobe. All I can say is thank goodness for Primark and New Look and thank goodness I don’t have a penchant for designer labels!

My social life has sort of slowed down a little. This is in part due to the fact that my relationship with Ex has hit lows I wasn’t aware could exist between us. I will not go into detail because I can cope. I have been meditating regularly and am finding an inner peace I didn’t know I possessed. Of course I still get angry, confused and distressed but I hate conflict and so shy away from it where possible….no doubt Ex would disagree but then he would, wouldn’t he?

The children and I went away for the last 2 weeks of July to Kassiopi. I must admit that I approached this first holiday on my own as a single parent with some trepidation. I need not have worried. It went swimmingly, in fact it was wonderful, one of the best holidays I have ever had and both Son and Daughter reported that it was the best holiday there had ever experienced. I must be doing something right! We relaxed for the whole 2 weeks apart from the morning Son locked us out of the apartment! We were lucky to find good company with four other families staying in the same block as us. We all got on so well together and so did the children too.

And before anyone asks, no there was no holiday romance with a gorgeous Greek man….although there was an opportunity but I wasn’t interested. My days of younger men are long gone. It isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be! And as you can see from the pic below, I was far too busy enjoying myself with 'the girls'.

The rest of the summer holidays were good and it was with a heavy heart that I waved Son and daughter back to school again last week because I had enjoyed their company so much.

So now it is back to the grindstone and every day life. I have my moments but without wishing to tempt fate I can honestly say that I am happy and content with my lot. I have 2 wonderful children, a nice home, good friends and the house has been filled recently with visitors. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed having people to stay and without blowing my own trumpet too much, I am a good hostess!

And yes there is a sort of special someone. It’s early days and we don’t see each other very often but oh how wonderful it is to chat with someone who stimulates my intellect (and makes me argue my corner) and enjoys my company and makes me feel all woman once again. Older yes, thank goodness, we speak the same language and remember the same things and it is good to share that. I hadn’t realised how much that was missed.
I promise to make a real effort to blog more regularly. I often think to myself ‘I really should bog about that’…a good example is that moose woman Palin in the US…what the f***! She’ll put feminism back centuries……..

Things you don't expect to see on a Saturday morning

Walking to the local supermarket this morning. I pass the off licence and just to the side there is a an elderly lady, dressed in Berketex best, hair rinsed blue, looking eminently respectable. She looks around, doesn't see me or anyone else, opens her hand bag and takes out a can of Tennants Extra, opens it and downs it one.

One minute further up the road is the Methodist Church. Outside there is a congregation of about 100 people. Nothing remarkable in that at all. However they are all wearing loud t shirts, even louder Bermuda shorts, snorkels, flippers, masks and some are carrying blow up palm trees. Oh yes, they are singing hymns which sounds rather strange through snorkels and the like.

Did I wake up in a parallel universe this morning?